Excuses, Acceptance and Grace

There is so much talk of acceptance these days.  I love it.  Acceptance of oneself and one’s situation.  Acceptance of others and the differences between us.  I believe that as each of us adds our voice to the ongoing discussion, it strengthens the power of the words.  Confirmation upon confirmation like the signal fires lit along the Great Wall of China.  Each faithful guard watching the horizon ready to light her beacon.  As we read each other’s words, the beacons are lit in us; encouraging the next voice to speak her own truth.  As I share my need for acceptance and grace, I offer strength to the voices of others; normalizing the truths of our common struggle.

I am on a journey towards self acceptance.  Because I am a one who measures my days in tasks accomplished, it is important to me to determine how to give grace without it turning to excuses.  I am slowly learning the unforced rhythms of grace.  I want life’s choices to be either/or in orderly black and white check boxes.  I want to choose the right path that makes me a good girl.  I want to have results.  This is not always the way of grace or even truth.  It is the way that I live most days where high expectations get a lot of Great Things done.  While personal satisfaction does come from this “accomplished” way of living, at my core, I know that more Acceptance and Grace would be a welcome shift.  Still I hesitate.

The Taskmaster-List-Minder me often misses the truth of my situation as I strive to get the elusive one more thing done.

I sometimes berate myself for making excuses.  However, what I call an excuse may be simply a true statement of my current situation.  The truth may highlight unrealistic expectations that I had held up for myself.  I am great at holding up impossible standards and then inevitably falling below the mark.  (Anyone else?)  On the other hand, the excuse may be a way to give myself a pass and allow a habit that no longer serves me to keep me from my greatness.

In order to know the difference, I have found that I need to have a conversation with the part of me who is in charge of holding the dreams, the compass and the map.  Think of something (big or small) that you dream of having time to do.  For example: I have set a goal to write “in the cracks” more.  This means that I need to change my way of thinking about writing.  I need to accept that the amount of time that I have available in which to write is not likely to increase much (unless I become a time alchemist. I will let you know if I have any success there).  Since that is true, I have a choice to make.  I can say it is too hard.  It is true that is hard to find time to connect with my heart and spirit.  It is hard to sort out my thoughts so they convey my message.  So I ask myself, is that it then?

It is hard. The end.  Or it is hard so what can I change to make it more likely?

This conversation with myself often brings reactionary feelings of powerlessness.  A part of me feels strongly that I do not have enough control over my day and how my time is spent.  What can I really change?  I have obligations, I say.  The fact that I have set a goal will necessitate change and an evaluation of how time is spent.  This is a natural part of life.  I make myself follow the thought to the end, “But if I did that then *this other thing* might not get done the way it gets done now.”  Even if deciding to change disrupts my life greatly, I COULD choose that if I wanted to.  This means that I do have the power to move towards the life I want.  So far, I have decided that the cost of change is too great.  Just bring this truth of your power to change into the light and see what feelings come along.

Somedays I like to pretend that I do not have enough power to change things.

I like my pet excuses, if I’m honest.  Believing that I do not have a choice in the matter justifies my fear of upsetting my “current normal.”  When I consult the Map-Toting-Compass-Wielding- Dreamer, she reminds me of beautiful things.  This is the only shot that I get at this life.  I have books in me that want to come out.  I have stories that I want to share.  Even if no one really reads them, they still need to be brought into the light.  This will make me a truer version of myself and so it needs to be done.

I accept that I am who, what and where I am right now, only then am I able to plot a path in the direction of who I believe that I am here to be.

Making excuses allows me to stay smaller and less powerful.  This serves no one. Not me. Not my family or sphere of influence. Not my potential readers. Not the world around me.

So it comes down to me and my choice; you and yours.  All the power is mine and yours after all.  Change is certainly difficult.  Perhaps, this time, the only way around is through.  I already know what staying the same feels like.  I cannot bear it.  Can you?

Finding Margins

I used to write in all the margins.  Literally.

My high school notebook pages were puzzling to teachers and classmates.  I would write on every single centimeter of my paper; every line; every little smidgeon.   All the white space was gone.  Even when I doodled in the margin, which was often, I would write around the doodle.  My note-taking style was a product of my life-style.

What I did not realize at the time was that leaving no margins was self sabotage.

Without white space, the value of the information on the page decreases.

It defeats the purpose.  Why do we take notes if not to read them later.  What is the point when the method of recording the words makes finding it again on the page into a difficult process?  At the time, I felt that I was being efficient and saving space.  Somehow I thought that this was better.  It was ridiculous.  The product was hardly able to be read or used.

However, twenty years after high school, I now know that I need margins.  I need white space to make the words on the page more meaningful.  I need space in the margins of my life to be the person I want to be.

I want a curated life; not a crammed or haphazard one.

When I use up every space, all of it becomes a jumble of confusion.  When there is not enough space to read between the lines, to pause, reflect and understand, the important information loses its impact.  In note-taking as in daily living, it does not all fit on the page.  If you try to preserve it all, cram it all in, the entire body of work loses potency and effectiveness.

Call it what you like, breathing room, mindfulness, staying present, managing your calendar.  I will call it margin because for me I have a tangible representation of what it looks like on the pages of my high school notebooks.  I have lived with no margins for many years.

At that level of visual clutter and information overload, anxiety is looming- ever present.

This is not a useful or effective way to live. Nowadays, when I feel my margins shrinking, I do something about it.  I now know their value.

I care enough for myself (and those I am responsible to and for) to leave space now.

• Space between the action and the reaction.
• Space between the hearing and the doing.
• Space between the inhale and the exhale.
• Space between the message and the response.
• Space between the thought and the words.
• Space between the question and the answer.

I can absorb the dailyness of life in all of its inevitable unpredictability much better now than ever before; due to finding margins.

What can you do to widen the margins today?  How can you push those margins out just a smidge?  What would it look like to own your role as curator-of-your-own-life a bit more fully today?  Inhale.  1 Mississippi…2 Mississippi…3 Mississippi.  Exhale.  Repeat as needed.  I would love to hear from you in the comments.

And so it is…

“Think first and then do,” I say to my son. So.many.times.each.day.

This is important advice for an impulsive 9 year old.  To his mother who tends to overthink, it can be dangerous to take my own advice.  I can think first then never do. Also and more often I think first and think more then analyze what I have come up with then tweak it then set it to the side until I have time to perfect it.  I’m sure you get the picture.  This is not the most effective way to conduct one’s self.  It is often what I do, however. Why is this?  Mostly, I would like to think that it has to do with wanting to do things the best way that I can, and that is surely part of it.  Often though it is based in fear of not being good enough and insecurity about making mistakes. 

I have let go of so many layers of insecurity over the years.  I am very thankful for this.  I live a much more fulfilled life now where risk-taking is more commonplace than calculated.  However, I am not cured of insecurity by any means. I know that there is a lot still holding me back from my vast potential.  Can you relate?  Wherever you find yourself on your journey, is insecurity more a part of things that you wish it was?  You have vast potential too, you know that, right?

I intend to be a positive example to my children, spouse, siblings, friends and students.  What if there’s voice inside that tells you that you are not the best example for others to follow?  You’ve made too many mistakes, your inner meanie may insist.  Why would someone want to try to model after you for XYZ reason that inner critic may remind you.  We certainly could shrink back from the greatness of our own stories if we listen to discouraging voices like that whether from within or without.

Many inner-doubt-listeners do shrink back, stay small and hold in their light.  We all know them.  We have all been them.  So, what’s a girl to do?  There is something so powerful that you and I can absolutely do. Reframe your origin story.

It is a bad news good news scenario.  Bad News: you did some not-so-great things.  You have not been the best example to follow sometimes.  That “bad news” is universal.  The fantastic, not even good, news though is that we need you and your example especially because of the fact that there is something less-than-stellar that you have come back from.  We all need a well marked path to follow when we need to comeback from less than great moments. Good News: I need your “overcomer” example to follow and you need mine, my friends!  This is speaking loudly to me in this moment.  I hope it is encouraging you as well.  You actually add value to others by making mistakes then blazing a trail out of trouble.  It gives the rest of us hope for ourselves when we find ourselves in need of a path to follow out of our own tight spots.

You cannot change your origin story but you can REFRAME it!

Think of it like this.  You are the hero of a story that is still being written.  The next chapter is the one where what seemed like detours, mistakes, or wasted potential all emerge as the essential details that develop your character into the hero that her world needs right now!  If you were a writing the story of your life up to this point, imagine how past events could be framed in a way that gives you the power to accomplish all you were sent to this world to do.  Get this.  Receive this.  That is the level of power and control over your story that you actually have.  Just so you know.

I cannot say this strongly enough, GRAB UP THAT PEN!  Write that version of the story!! Go on new adventures.  Fill journals with joy instead of regret.  

I am watching the world change; my personal world.  I am intentionally crafting a life that is in significantly dissimilar to what I remember.  

My children think that this life that I have made them IS what life it like. And.so.it.is.

I need to repeat that. AND SO IT IS!!  My spouse and I model the behaviors that we want to see.  Our children have an example to follow. We are learning slowly and somewhat falteringly to take feedback graciously (Even I am. This is proof of miracles.).  This is how you change the world. By living the best way that you know how. Operating in a fashion that makes you proud to be an example to others.

 

Rewriting History

There are moments when children remind you that you are their example.  You know this already of course but the reminders can be poignant.  They are shaping a worldview and you are a chief design consultant.  This happened recently when my husband and I took our three children fishing.  Just for context, I have no memory of going fishing with anyone in my family.  No condemnation; some parents fish and others do not.  Sitting on the dock, my daughter was sitting on my lap holding her shiny new pole.  She was thoroughly enjoying the entire experience.  Leaning back into me in total contentment she asked, “Did you used to fish with your Momma?”

In that moment, I felt how I was writing her story and rewriting my own.  Something in the salty sea air and the lovely family moment told me to pay attention.  I was not a girl who went fishing with my Momma but I am Momma who takes her girl fishing.  My girl goes fishing with her Momma.

This is how we rewrite history.  Revisionist history in its truest form.  We are the ones who write our story.  Sometimes we hate that pressure and responsibility.  It can make us shrink back into a safe corner and become a lesser version of our brimming-with-possibilities-selves. Other times we push forward with head down full-speed-ahead until we are totally exhausted.  I have done both along my way.

Sometimes we find comfort in blaming the state of our affairs on another person. If we look honestly at our past and present and even our future we see the many opportunities to wrestle the pen out of the hand of whomever may have it.  Be it a parent, spouse, doctor, or friend.  Perhaps we see the pen lying dusty as we have done little more than survive for a time.  That negligence is still a way of writing our story, though. It writes a pale story while colored ink is within arms reach.

Page 273 “And then she sat down and thought about the unfortunate things that had happened to her.  She though a long time about these things until that is all she could remember doing. From time to time she was inspired by an idea of joy and lightness and would imagine herself moving towards them.  However she had sat for so long that she was unable to extract herself from the spot in which she found herself without great effort. She did not feel up to any great effort just now and so she sat and thought some more.”

If you felt any tinge of judgement as you read that, please know that is an excerpt of my own story from a few years back.  We all can write chapters of our story this way though, can’t we? The weight of responsibility may make us afraid to summon the courage. Even with a trembling hand, what if we reached for the pen?  What if we risk writing a line that says,

Page 275 “Today she thought she’d try a new thing.  Not a forever change necessarily, but a whisper of an idea that maybe it was okay -just today- to move a wee step closer to the woman she had hoped to be by now.  She gave herself love, encouragement and permission to come running back to her cozy thinking place if that is what she needed to do. She was determined, however, to try something new today.”

The pen is mightier than the sword.  You do not have to fight your way out of this place you are in.  Write your own story on purpose. Edit. revise. Create new chapters.

Feel the poison drain from your body and the light shine in as you teach the next generation of children through your example that adults can be all that you wished your examples had been by living it yourself.  

This is how children change the world.  By their very existence they are calling us to a higher plane. They are influenced by all that they see and hear.  Show us the way, they say with their eyes full of wonder. What kind of a place is this? Who are my neighbors? What does respect mean? Are all mommas like you? Is this what all boys do?  I am every woman to my children. How they are allowed to treat me and how I move in the world is how they expect other women to be.  This is just the truth of things. It is not something I can wish away or choose not to have be true.  In the end it is me who shapes their worldview. The very worldview that they will operate in for all of their lives or else will struggle against.

When you leave the Dock behind you

I like mantras.  They serve me well.  I use them for emotional touch stones when I feel myself coming unmoored.  (That’s a really chill way of expressing how I can feel like I’m crazy and everything is crashing down and nothing makes sense).  It is a Nautical word illustrating when a boat is untied and it floats away from where it had been fastened.  It can be disorienting to leave the dock behind you.  Maybe you feel that way today.  If so, I hope you find something here to help you on your voyage.

Take a look at where you are.  Is there a destination that you want to reach?  You may need to come unmoored in both senses of the word in order to reach your destination.  How does considering that make you feel?  Notice the feeling that arises.  Not in condemnation but just acknowledge what is true for now (but not necessarily for ever) about your willingness to “leave the dock.”  There is a magnificent quote that simply states,

On ne découvre pas de terre nouvelle sans consentir à perdre de vue, d’abord et longtemps, tout rivage. One doesn’t discover new lands without consenting to lose sight, for a very long time, of the shore. ~André Gide

I have this quote hanging in my office at work and I refer to it often.  It reminds me to take a breath and as I exhale I choose to believe that I am actually heading in a direction even on stormy or foggy days.  This quote clarifies that though I cannot see the shore of The Land Where-I-was nor the shore of The Land Where-I-am-going, this does NOT indicate that I am in the wrong place by any means.  In fact it grounds me without any ground in sight.  I find the ground inside of myself when I realize that I am in fact on a well worn path.  This is how all new places have ever been discovered by every explorer before me.  Leaving the familiar Lands of What-you-already-know and Where-you-already-were.  Grab your map and your snacks and get out there. 

To get what I have never had, I must do what I have never done.

The above is a quote that I have hanging in my kitchen. This one gets me every time I read it.  I have determined from the beginning to forge my own path and change whatever needs to be changed in order to be the woman that I want to be. I want a life that allows me to be fully myself and honor my spirit, dreams and potential.  This is a tough way to live.  There is not as much down time as I sometimes wish.  The intensity level can be high.  When I read this, it is like receiving encouragement from myself.  Girl, we’ve got this.  This is how we get what we have never had.  This is what it looks like.  Keep on it!  We are doing this!

“What you allow will continue.”  

This one is on a sticky note next to the trackpad on my laptop.  It reminds me in no uncertain terms that I am the boss of my own life.  I notice the way I am treated or feeling about a situation.  I respond to the feeling with this truth. What I allow will continue.  What power do I have in this moment to stop allowing this? It is a very empowering practice that I have adopted. 

A huge realization for me has been the question of respect.  If I allow disrespect towards myself, it is an act of violence, a lack of self protection.  I can allow patterns to continue down this path by doing nothing.  I can take one step to make it less likely for the disrespectful pattern to continue.  I have been surprised to find how often my own disrespect of myself is the source of a frustration in my life. Often by allowing my lack of self-respect to continue in some way, I invite others to treat me as less than.  I get ruffled and feel powerless until I see that I have something that I need to stop believing and stop allowing inside my own view of myself.  

When I combine these three thoughts, I find much wisdom.  These things have resonated deep within me.  Having the quotes printed is a way that I speak my own inner truth to myself.  I can ask myself empowering questions like.  What am I allowing?  Do I need to be willing to lose sight of something that makes me feel safe (a shore) so that I may discover a new land?  Why am I frustrated about my progress in this? What am I perhaps allowing within myself that is keeping me in the shallows instead of heading into deeper water?  If you are feeling powerless, start where you are.  What power DO you have in this?  Exercise that muscle of honoring your truth and yourself.  This is what grounding feels like to me.  There does not need to be land in sight.  I have the solid ground inside of me.  

Land-ho!

Modeling forgiveness

I wrote this years ago and it rings as true today as the day I wrote it.

Ever have a re-invent yourself moment? day? week? month?  Well as a parent I am learning that reinventing your approach to your children is essential and happens more often than one might think!

While we are all unique and certainly do not have to be adopted to have anger issues, I know it is true that adopted children can struggle more with anger than some.  There are lots of questions about their past.  They do have much to be angry about.

That said:  I want my sons to be able to let go of their anger to the point of being a safe friend.  feel it.  process it.  work through it.  acknowledge it.  At our house, difficult doesn’t mean it can’t be done. It means we work more diligently at it.

Anger about one thing can be triggered by something else.  (Some) Adults know this. Anger will likely be a long-term companion for my little pre-men.  In this season of their lives we are dealing with the very real question: How can they let their little 3 and 4 year old classmates be who they are, normal pre-schoolers- aka: the kind of people who can make Anyone angry pretty regularly, without being so angry at them?

I was thinking about this dilemma today.  They need ways to express anger that can make others feel safe as well as resulting in each boy feeling safe.  Yes, we can work on those alternatives to acting out. We can practice them; and we will.  I will continually search for the tools that can best help them both to be less angry and/or to be angry in healthier ways.

“How can each boy choose not to stay angry in an environment that is basically a land mine for a sensitive child like him? What does that look like,” I asked myself.   I searched my memory banks asking, “How do I release my anger?  What do I do in a similar situation?”  I forgive.  Even when I’m not asked to.  Before I hear an “I’m sorry” I choose forgiveness. 

What is the best way to learn something?  To have it modeled to you. Example is the only thing.

Parents, ever notice how much of parenting is not training your kids but rather training yourself?

Eureka: I need to forgive him until he gets how great it feels.  I need to let him watch me mean it when I say he’s forgiven.  He needs to watch me not be angry when I easily could be.  He needs to know how to release the anger, stop holding grudges for a classmate’s shove 3 days ago etc.  As much as he will need these same skills to work through his deeper anger about how his life started out and “what might have been.”

Teaching a little boy the meaning of forgiveness and how to forgive his friends…Do I know how to do that, I wondered.

“What does it mean to forgive?” I asked my son.  He piped right up, “It means it is finished.”  

Profound Wisdom from a child’s heart.  Forgive him.  Tell him he is forgiven and then act like I forgive him.  Don’t shame.  Don’t keep bringing it up.  Don’t mention it.  And then do that again tomorrow and the next day and the day after that.  Until we all believe that it is finished.

The importance of Bearing Witness

 

There are moments in life when one has the opportunity to bear witness.  This phrase indicates carrying the weight of presence at a significant event.  I have had the opportunity to attend two high school graduations this week.  Being there as a witness to other people’s milestones adds value to the event.  It matters enough for you to spend the currency of your time by showing up.  The ends and beginnings of life’s seasons are important to celebrate.  To pause.  To bear witness.  To give full attention.  There is just something magical about affirmation.  That was happening on such a grand scale this week.  Approval; it was ricocheting from face to face and wall to wall from the graduates to their families, friends and teachers and back again.  Each of us vividly aware that we had played some role in the success on display.

There are many moments when we all feel a sense of the mundane, moments when we wonder if what we are doing matters.  Sitting in the front of the auditorium, there was no question that my showing up this year as a teacher mattered and by extension, that what I bring to world matters.  If that is true for me, dear reader, it is certainly true for you as well.  I know that I am not an exception.  I do not mean to overstate my impact on this year’s senior class.  Most of them had their support systems well in place prior to my entrance into their lives.  But there were a few.  Just to see a twinkle in a few eyes as I congratulated them was worth every hard minute in the classroom this year somehow.

I have felt new and awkward and had a steep learning curve both as a teacher returning to teaching after years away and simply as a new employee to this building.  All year I felt like an outsider in a lot of ways.  Not because people were unfriendly but there as so many things that others “just knew” that I didn’t know.  I progressed from asking directions to knowing my way around.  I progressed from overwhelm everyday to somedays feeling prepared.  I progressed from being a stranger to looking forward to catching up with students and colleagues.

But it wasn’t until I sat bearing witness to the capstone event of the graduating class of 2018 that I realized that I had progressed from being the new teacher to being connected, integrated, part of something significant.

I clearly remember in my interview last August, which landed me my current gig, I was asked “Why do you want to work here?”  Part of my answer was that access to influence students is a unique privilege and an honor.  I believe that it is a big part of what I am here to do.  The starfish is one of my all time favorite stories.  If you haven’t read it I highly recommend it.  I encourage you to keep doing what you are here to do (or start).  It matters.  Even to just one starfish.  Bring what you have to the table and offer it humbly and as best you can.  Just keep showing up.  We are each a part of something meaningful.

For most, the rhythm of our lives moves in predictable patterns of bell schedules, classrooms and assemblies for a mere 13 years and then it never does again.  Bearing witness to the graduation ceremony was the culmination of parents, teachers and students working in synchronicity (or not) but nevertheless the students persevered.  It was energizing to see that much raw potential and positive energy.

Honestly, if you are feeling discouraged about the future of our country, I suggest crashing a local graduation ceremony.

I’d bet you’ll leave feeling hope renewed again.  Life’s rhythms have meaning for each of us.  Being there on someone else’s special day makes you a part of the value added to their moment and achievement.  From where I sit, the future’s so bright I gotta wear shades!

The Best Way

“It takes all kinds to make a world”, my Gramma used to say to me.

I quote her often when another person’s unexpected behavior leaves me shaking my head.  It reminds me to give grace to those who choose differently than I do.  It reminds me that my way is not the only way.

But, a little voice inside me often whispers, your way is the Best way.  If I’m honest, I believe that there is a best way to do everything and that there is little point in doing something at all if you can’t do it in the Best way.  This is a confession of my own inner world rather than a prescription for you to espouse.  This belief has kept me from starting or continuing many things.  Sometimes I forget that there are those of you out there in the world that just know how to enjoy yourself without analyzing everything.  Hi there!  I don’t understand how you all must feel but I imagine that it is lovely.

That being said, if I am going to start writing my blog again, then it stands to reason that I need to do it the Best way and have a plan or maybe an outline or perhaps I should have subjects and topics (I’m spiraling and about to put my writing back on the pedestal from whence I recently retrieved it) etc etc.  This time however, my personal growth interrupts my old patterns and firmly suggests the following.

OR what if you just write?  You have things to say and your perspective matters so what if you just write your heart out, literally. Write out what is on your heart.  If nothing else, it will be great for you but I suspect that others will benefit.  Stop thinking. Start writing.

My dear friend, Dorothy, who is a working writer, mentioned recently that after reading some “writing how to” books she distilled their collective wisdom down to this one essential nugget,  just write.  I love this.  SO simple but still completely dependent on me to make it happen.

An example of the power of writing:  Last week I sat down and wrote a simple list of things that I want to be doing but am not doing.  {If you’re curious about the list I can share more in the comments, just ask} Seeing them down on paper was powerful.  Am I an adult who is the boss of my own life or not?  I knew the answer to that one!  Well, I certainly am.  What reason do I have then not to be doing those things.  The dissonance caused by the items on the list that have no place in my life was unsupportable to my Spirit.  If they are important enough then I will do them. Period.  “Find a way if it matters enough to you!” my heart shouted at my daily life.  ok then. (Yes I’m transcribing me talking to myself.)

Practical application process: When you write it down it is now outside of you, concrete, tangible. you can look at it and examine it.  I want to read more for my own enjoyment and personal enrichment.  I want to read more to my children…when I look at it on my list I can objectively say…if that is important to me then why am I not doing it?  What belief is keeping me from these things?  I do not believe that I deserve the pleasure of reading because of the life season (full time working mom of three littles) that I am in and the things that I am obligated to do (feed them and keep them alive while also staying friends with their daddy etc).  Bedtime is too stressful and reading keeps them up later.  Is bedtime the only time I can read to them?  Nopers.  SO there again my believe about bedtime stress kept me from thinking outside the box for reading to the tribe.

I will not start all of these habits immediately but I have already started to write again.  The other things on the list now seem more possible because I see myself starting this one important thing that I value, writing.  I may be steps away from some of the things on that list because there are habits in the way that will take time to change but I am en route. And that matters.

What is a Key Mindset for my inner work?  Awareness.  It is so critical on this process of becoming who we are.  Remind yourself of who you are by asking yourself what matters to your heart regularly.  These are your values.  I believe this is true; I will feel contentment to the degree that my actions line up with my values.

We have this quote hanging in the kitchen:  Example is not the most important thing in influencing others. It is the only thing. ~ Albert Schweitzer

You guys: My third grade son chose to write this week in his free time.  He started a creative short story in the style of a fairy tale.  The same week that his mother decided to start her blog back up.  The same week that she said, Enough waiting this needs to happen now.  Maybe The Best Way is just to start. In the middle of the regular old dailyness of this season of life.

Is there something calling to you that it may be time to start?  I’d love to hear about it in the comments and encourage you.

En Route

This interior work, this becoming who I really am, this is the thing, the grand pursuit, the dream of fulfillment.

“There’s a path to becoming a working writer, and you are on it,” she told me.  Just yesterday she looked right at me and said that wonderful sentence.  The best part is that I believed her.

Something is different this time.  It is me.  I am not the same woman who last sat down to write.  I had just been laid off and was uncertain and questioning everything.  I am sure of much more than I was last year at this time.  I gave myself permission to be free and pursue the path of freedom and return to teaching French.  I cannot believe that I almost denied myself this opportunity.  I was so comfortable in my box.  Freedom of thought and action became attainable after all.  Choices were made to move out of the shadows.  Foundations were laid for higher pursuits.

Life is not a bit like a movie montage.  The dailyness of it can be stifling.  The highlight reel of this year is fantastic. The deleted scenes, not so much.  More than a few days this year I fought back tears and reminded myself to breath as I walked to my next class.  Still, what a privilege to be allowed to do what I love.  What an honor.

So many other days between the last post and this one I lamented not having time to write.  I have spent many sad minutes pitying myself for the lack of me-time where I can be myself and just write.  However, the only thing that has made a difference is my decision to take myself seriously as a writer.  I believed her when she said that I am already on the path.  I decided to take myself seriously.  Seriously enough to get up this morning and write. (yes that is all)

It is Saturday morning at 6:03.  I sit on my back deck with a notebook and pen.  I begin.  I am a writer.  I have decided that this is true and so it is.

“The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.” ― Émile Zola.

I have beauty in me to share with whomever. It may be a few close friends and family or it may turn into a whole big thing.  Either way, I am not going to miss it.  I have a simple yet powerful choice to make.  I can stay the same or to start from where I am and head in a direction.  This is in fact the choice we each have today.  At the risk of oversimplification, that is all any of us can really do.

This may be the greatest act of courage to share your art and believe it is worth sharing.

I missed writing.  I missed writing for you to read.  I missed writing for me to read as well.  That is to say that I have missed reading my own thoughts outside of my head.  I do not process my thoughts and emotions well in real time.  This process is soothing for me. I will give this writing-out-loud to myself as a gift.  If you are willing to read along, I welcome you.  If you would be kind enough to comment along the way, well then, I will be humbly astounded.  Welcome back writer.  Welcome back reader.

Permission to be Happy

It took a major disruption for me to give myself permission to be happy.  I’m not talking about the surface level happiness you find when you eat salted caramel anything, drink a good cup of coffee or find a cute outfit on sale.  I had that level of happiness.

I live in such a way that I actively practice contentment for many years now.  I have CHOSEN to be happy because of my perspective on life.  Things could be so much worse.  I am also not talking about the level of happiness that comes from a loving family or fulfilling relationships.  I have crafted my home life in such a way that it is the place I want to be most in the world.  I am extravagantly loved respected and honored by my husband and children.  I do not have any complaints that would stand up to comparison of many other people’s lives in the world.

Sometimes you feel unhappy and that propels you towards the change that you need to make.  Other times you stay put and call it being responsible and practicing contentment.  When I was forced to leave my chosen profession and joined corporate America, I was straight up unhappy.  As I adjusted to my surroundings, I started to find the gifts.  There were many.  I found gratitude for what was provided to me if not for the work itself.  Very slowly, I forged relationships and began to allow myself to grow and change. I let go of my dream to return to my profession.  I found all the good things that I could about my life and stacked them up high in my mind whenever I felt unhappy.  I believe still that this practice has been critical for self preservation.  Through all of those years, I had many moments of happiness.  But in my most honest corners of my heart, I knew that I was pretending.

I often reminded myself things that helped me stay thankful.  For example:  you are providing stability and securing your family’s future, you are lucky to have such a great employer so close by, you may not be fulfilled at work but you have so much emotional energy left for your family life so it is a good trade off, teaching is not a secure enough profession anyways (a la sour grapes), you have some great coworkers whom you really enjoy, think of all the ways you are there for your family because of this job etc.  That is not even to start down the path of comparing myself to friends who live in the developing world.  I struggle to reconcile the way they live with my own life.  It typically stops any internal struggle short when I think of how blessed I am in comparison.

However; other people having it worse than me does not mean that I cannot have it better than I do.  It isn’t selfish, not the negative kind of selfish, to want to be happy.  (If you are anything like me, you may need to re-read that last sentence to let it soak in).  I’m not talking pop star Diva here.  I’m talking, are there realistic (not necessarily easy) changes you can make to your day to day life that will up your happiness factor?  I am not suggesting that you start doing them this minute but I am asking you to walk down the path a while in your mind.  What would my daily life be like if I…?  Changes themselves can make me unhappy so that is a bit of a tightrope walk. As I made myself go deep and dared to look under the practiced facade of contentment, I knew what needed to be done.

Now please know that I personally believe that denying myself and delayed gratification and choosing contentment are all noble and of great value.  That is not going to change.  To be able to take stock of my life and know that I have actively chosen all the the key things that influence my spirit and my family is empowering.

Now, I could have stayed after the severance was offered and taken a different position, that I wanted even less.  I also could have started at a new opportunity that was offered in a different part of corporate America.  Both would have been great opportunities and would have provided well for my family.  I could have doubled down on practicing contentment and I am certain that I would have found my joy in many little ways as I continued to practice gratitude.  I have spent a long time with my head down pushing ahead and doing the next right thing.  The beautiful thing is that I chose not to do that.

I was fortunate to have the opportunity right at this time to return to my original calling and start again to do what I love but the honest truth is that I said no at first.  No to myself.  No to what I have wanted most.  I can’t go back.  It won’t work.  You can’t have that.  Leave it in the past.  All the things I have practiced carefully in my well-disciplined head shouted down my spirit’s question of, “May I have this, at last?  Will you do this for me?”

It took 2 months of difficult soul level conversations with my self and my incredibly supportive partner for which I am incredibly grateful!!  It took an eye-opening conversation with my sisters where I was reminded to consider myself and my spirit and the gift I had before me (Thank you!!).  It took spread sheets with #’s and projections and side by side comparisons.  But even after looking all the #’s telling me that I can more than make ends meet, I still was ready to deny myself.  It took weighing what really matters to me and deciding at last that it was okay.  I know what I want.  I have know it all along.  I want to be done trying to pretend that I am happy at work.  I want that part of me to feel fulfilled like I remember.

What if I trust myself?  What if I leave a “safe bet”?  What if I am talented and qualified already to do what I love? What if I don’t have to prove myself through career advancement to possibly get more paid time off with my Lovies while they grow up?  What if I can reach my financial goals while spending 16 weeks home with my family per year?  What if I say, yes, to happiness?

Preliminary results are in and I highly recommend it.